Today, in this day and age of technological advancement, we are presented with tools that aim (sincerely one must say) at helping us in our endeavor in human interaction and forming new connections.
Social tools such as Facebook and online dating websites such as OkCupid, Match.com, eHarmony, etc., all try to help us connect, form new connections, make friends (with or without benefits) and often times just hook up.
Other tools aim to take advantage of the technology to make it even faster to connect with people by simply letting you provide very little information about yourself (a bunch of pictures for example) and then they offer you a quick and brutal way to judge the profile of other participants and see if they are worthy of your attention (Tinder anyone!?).
Those technological social tools are nice concepts but have failed miserably at helping people connect properly with each other on all dimensions. Instead those tools only cover shallow dimensions of the human interactions without providing the full spectrum of such.
Electronic social interaction is like junk food, whereas face to face interaction is like wholesome and organic food.
This article will be based on my own experience as a male and on the sentiments of many men from various manosphere websites and blogs.
In this article, I will be addressing some aspects and realities that I have observed in this day and age regarding online dating.
Enter online dating
The majority of online dating sites provide you with a platform where you are presented with a page where you can fill some information about yourself, your interests, what you are looking for, and with means to upload your photos. Actually, the etiquette of online dating emphasizes the importance of choosing the right pictures: the pictures that makes you look hot, sexy and “interesting”.
Filling your profile information
A “good” photo, as many would deem, is a photo that is showing all of your silhouette (not just your face), a smiling face and a picture while you are doing your interests. In practice, that’s the etiquette and what is considered respectful when it comes to choosing the pictures.
In reality, nothing prevents you from finding pictures of cladly dressed women in front of the bathroom mirror and even photos of tits and/or booties.
After you have filled the basic profile information about yourself and uploaded some pictures, then the hunt for a potential new friend, lover, or a hookup partner begins.
Based on the research I did, it appears that there is disparity and disproportion between the demand and supply in the dating market. As it seems, men are at a disadvantage when it comes to online dating.
Initiating contact
Here’s the sad story about men’s experience with online dating: they don’t receive as much messages as women do. If men make efforts to write a thoughtful and respectful message to women, then women rarely answer.
The reality is that a guy spends 5 to 10 minutes to compose such a message and send it, and only to realize that no reply is ever received.
The common excuse to this is that women receive hundreds of messages and they have no time to reply to all the messages. Therefore, those “busy” women end up leaving those guys, who spent time and efforts to send thoughtful messages, without receiving any replies, feedback or closures.
That is really sad because it tends to become discouraging to men. Men will end up in confusion when they have no closure. I am not talking about jerks or men who do not show any self-respect when they send messages.
Some women will think in their heads: “These men are not entitled to my time and I do not owe them any replies”.
This is not about men feeling any entitlement of any sort. The “Send message” functionality is there for a reason and that’s why men use it. In return, there’s also a “Reply” button which women should use as well.
I compare the recurrance of such incident (sending messages and receiving no replies) to something like when you visit a place and you are met with unfriendliness. You enter that place and say “hello”, “good morning”, or any other greeting and all you get in response is a cold shoulder, a hateful glance or a plain simple attitude of being ignored. If you go there often, how would you feel?
Yes, I know what you will say: “it ain’t a good feeling actually” and perhaps you would add: “I don’t want to go there anymore”.
Is it really a numbers game?
They say that online dating is a numbers game, but in fact it is more than that.
It is unhealthy to play the numbers game if disrespect and being ignored is what you get 95% (if not 99%) of the time.
Remember, would you really frequent places where you are constantly ignored, disrespected or unwelcome? I don’t think so.
Therefore, a man has to make peace with online dating in order to feel good mentally and emotionally.
One has to be honest to oneself and say:
I do not tolerate disrespect and being ignored. I will not subject myself to such treatment.
This resolution does not come from being close minded and weak. Instead, it comes from an honest reflection of that part within you that is true and sensitive that asks nothing less than being treated with respect and dignity.
High expectations and the fake persona
Another aspect of online and socializing electronically is that a man or woman can create a fake persona, play along, waste time, lead on, and perhaps destroy that persona and start over. That’s called Catfishing.
The fisher can also, by hiding behind the comfort of an electronic (their computer or smartphone screen), choose to ignore and disrespect you with no repercussions.
I bet that this is not something that you usually tolerate in real life.
I once spoke to a girl on a dating website about respect and honesty while mentioning that I would prefer not to be ghosted (where the girl disappear without explanation) and all she responded was that I was trying to control her. She also added “respect is relative”.
She completely missed the point (on purpose!) because she wanted to reserve to herself the right to act in such a disrespectful manner (that of ignoring, disappearing and what not). Naturally, I called her bad manners out and let her go.
Let’s talk about texting
Now let’s say you got a reply and managed to exchange phone numbers. The next step is to communicate and setup a date.
I understand that you need to send a few text messages to set up a date. After a successful date, a mature person would opt for a more rapport building approach: that of talking on the phone and setting up another in-person meeting.
If there is no interest, it is much more human and respectful to let the others know that we are not interested instead of being cold and let them “figure it out” or let them “get the message”.
When one texts, one does not really get to express oneself in a wholesome manner. There’s invisible pressure and expectations that one has to be “smart”, “funny” and always with a bag full of “whitty and original messages”.
When these hidden expectations are not met, the guy is deemed “boring”. The girl is then free to move on to the next batch of guys who are lining up desperately to get a reply or interact with that woman. Girls usually don’t have to make much efforts to get the attention from men except just showing a few “sexy” and “hot” pictures.
Do you see how such norms of communication are missing the remaining recipes of human interactions?
How many times you met a girl, exchanged phone numbers and later tried to call her but she does not answer the phone?
She, instead, sends text messages a few days later excusing herself by saying “I was busy” and never actually bothers to return your calls.
One would argue that perhaps she’s playing hard to get or she’s really busy lining up other dates for the rest of the week in order to get free rides and dinners, who knows?!
You never get straight and honest answers when you interact electronically. The etiquette is not enforced and women tend to be socially sloppy when they feel they are in high demand. As if them being “beautiful”, “hot” or “sexy” is an excuse for impoliteness.
How long do you think you can tolerate (you, being a developed and mature man) to be treated as such? Do you think there is hope of building rapport when electronic and dry communication is encouraged above other human interactions methods such as a phone call to demand the least?
Do not hate the messenger
Instead of hating online dating and all other electronic forms of communications that are devoid of the full specturm of human interaction, instead make a mature decision and say that this form of communication is not conductive to me and is not something I want to engage with. In other terms, admit to yourself that “this is not suitable to me”.
Do not fall for the shaming tactics that you hear from people around you:
have a thick skin!
Or:
…you must be doing something wrong.
If you accept that shaming then you won’t go anywhere. It will make you more resentful.
There’s nothing wrong with you. If you think along the same lines as I do, then you will realize that it takes courage to admit that fact and go against the flow and the herds of people that just bite their tongue and play the numbers game.
Remember: it is not about how many, it is about the quality and how you feel and how you are being treated!
Therefore, as a man, you must make up your mind and be brave to close the door to electronic interaction if you are planning to make meaningful new friendships or connections with someone else.
If you get a phone number, then all you have to do is call that person. If you get no answers or no call back, then drop that person.
They are most likely: not interested, “too busy”, or just “socially inadequate”. Don’t push too hard to interact with the irresponsive because down the line things may not work properly. Be happy that you saw the inadequacy early on.
I am talking from experience, I met all sorts of girls. However, the majority of them fell under the group of “being too busy” while the minority were really genuine people that answer the phone, talk with respect and confidence.
Repeat to yourself:
Enough is enough
I will tolerate no disrespect
Bear in mind that having a new mentality, that of a firm and self-respectable man it is not a sign of despair, sadness or weakness especially when you come to that conclusion wholeheartedly.
If anything it is the opposite. It is a sign of maturity that you stand against the “e-zombie” crowd and demand for better quality of human interactions.
Before concluding, here’s some food for thought regarding Tinder: do you think we are meant to flip and browse people based on their profile pictures and judge them so quickly? Hot or not hot?
Judgment is a very tricky character flaw, and if you want to get better at not judging then do not indulge in platforms that thrive and encourage judging others.
I started this article by saying that those dating tools have sincere intentions, but I digress.
Are they sincere or just a scam to make their owners rich?
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